~Ellirine

Last night
I dreamed of dancing razor blades
In a ballroom with a mirrored ceiling.
Of a lie the right shape to fit a door.

Of someone beloved who wanted to hold me
But my touch gave him blisters
And left him bleeding
And his lightest caress
Felt, to me
A violation.
Until I said, I'm sorry,
And turned away.
And he found someone
Who could love him properly.
And I scrubbed at my skin
And wore down to the bone.

How nice it would be
To stand up
And not be judged.
To stop looking
Over my shoulder.
To smile
And mean it.

How nice it would be
To be near her
And not feel second best.
To see him
And be noticed.
To believe
In something.

And how nice
To be empty.
To choke down that inner voice
And silence it.
To not stab myself
In the back
Every damn time.

How nice it would be
To not feel lonely
And undeserving.
To hold
And be held.
To not always
Be on my guard.

But I can't bring myself
To believe in your cure.
To let myself hope
And wish.
To not sabotage
Any attempt
Every damn time.

Oh, how nice it would be
To want to be saved.

Can't recall when it started,
The day I began ripping scales,
Pulling teeth.
Underneath
scream the gums, the sloughing of flesh,
Cold air on the nerves
And the pain of exposure.

Can't recall what his name was,
The first one I managed to freeze,
Turn to stone.
I've adapted now, learnt to cover my face
And look down.
I remember the scales though,
The first needle point through white skin
Left a scar
That refused to be covered.
I still get the snake bites.
They never did like me, you see.

Can't recall who I am now,
I've locked myself up out of sight
Out of mind.
But I find
that it helps, if they'd rather forget you,
To leave it alone.
It saves time, in the end, to withdraw.

There's a flicker of light
Behind your eyes
And I've never seen that smile before
And I want to worship, please, adore
But the gag's drawn tight
The mouth is dry.

The world's a bazaar
With lives to buy
And I a liar, gypsy, thief
To dance for charms, to whore my grief
And sell it off in little jars.

We choke and gasp
You drain me dry
I drank your soul with bleeding lips
A spiral dance around our hips
You rip me raw
I hear you cry.

The world's a bazaar
To sell your soul
Decant your poisons one by one
The venom burns across my tongue
And draws me back into your arms.

There's a flicker of light
And a forked tongue
And I never read the label through
But that's what snake oil tends to do
So hold me close
My love, I'm done.



I'm actually quite pleased with parts of this (surprisingly). I suspect that next time I look at it I'll notice the myriad of faults, but for now, it will do.
Comments on this very welcome.

About three dreams ago
She died in her sleep.
Kissed death open mouthed
With blue lips
And a smile for solitude.

The body decays
But the mind's God knows where
Off dancing in starlight and shadow
A world away from hollowed eyes
And sterilised sheets.

The skull's been clubbed in
The skin torn into
Ribbons of red lace
Blisters embroidered on silk
Ripped and rent.

She dreams herself a garden
Earth in her eyes, under nails.
Violets blossom across wrists and thighs
Ivy twines in her hair
Weeds choke in her mouth

But the soul's off in sunshine
And moonlight.
Dreams too far gone
To come back to:
She sinks into dust.

And in nine months
The case is still open - no leads.
She's served her purpose
So they take it to foster
And switch off her machines.


I had absolutely no idea where this was going when I started. It shows.